♥...torn apart at the seams ---- all my dreams turned to tears...♥

okay... proof that britain is a shitty place to be...

christmas is a very important time for me cos i can be myself, and the great thing about christmas is that it snows!! yay!!

but this christmas we got nuthin.

no snow!! it wos shit.

its now february the 8th and.... wait a minute .... it's snowing!!! WOT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WEATHER IN THIS COUNTRY!!! it cant even get the dates the rite way round "yh, its not christmas anymore! nah u've already missed that!!" duhh...

anyway, yh, just thought i'd share my thoughts on the issue...

Kitchen Rules

Rules of my kitchen...

1. Please KEEP OUT! Except on express permission of the Cook.

2. Cook shall designate pot scourers, pan polishers, peelers, scrapers and Cook has SUPREME AUTHORITY at all times!

3. NO REMARKS at all will be tolerated concerning the blackening of toast, the weakness of soup or the strength of the garlic stew!

4. What goes in stews and soups is nobody's business JUST EAT IT!

5. If you must stick your finger in something, stick it in the garbage disposal!

6. DON'T criticise the coffee, you may be old and weak yourself someday!

7. Anyone bringing guests in for dinner WITHOUT proir notice will be awarded 3 thwacks on the skull with a sharp object!

8. PLEASE WAIT - Rome wasn't burnt in a day and it takes a while to burn the Roast!

9. IF YOU MUST pinch something in this Kitchen... PINCH THE COOK!!

10. This is my kitchen. If you don't believe it, START SOMETHING and see how far you get!

What You've Done

I feel the night calling... calling me home...

I feel the stars pulling... tearing my heart...

My head starts to spin

As i'm slowly drawn into

The lonely emptiness thats lurking within

I feel, inside, my soul is cold

So cold, so bitter, from lies been told -

I wonder if i'll ever be the same again

Will they just lie to my face again?

I cant forget how you made me feel -

But, please believe that i've tried

Every remedy, to get these wounds to heal..

...nothing can diminish the aches inside...

But you dont understand what you've done to me

I trust no judgement but my own...

Because how can i know of your lies and your truth -

How thin is that line that remains unknown.

So I listen to the night calling...

Calling me to 'sleep'

Because the night, she knows, of all these things,

And she encourages me to slip...

Slip away from this world

Slip away from this pain

All the things that I hate

Things I can't contain

You can never know what it is to be true,

Or that the world does NOT revolve round you -

Like the Sun that you're not, all bright and clear...

You're the darkness that keeps me unwillingly here...

No More

Because the stars tore a hole...

A hole in my soul

... and i dont mind this defeat..

... because now I am ... 

...complete.

Forgive me

Forgiveness is so hard,

I don’t know where to start.

I’m sorry for what I’ve done,

I should’ve taken the bullet out of the gun…

…Now I hate me too.

I should have had more sense,

Should have listened to my friends.

I didn’t know what I had till it was lost,

I didn’t know it was me, who’d pay the cost.

I’ll understand if you can’t forgive,

If i’m someone you just can’t live with.

Just listen to me,

For a moment or two,

Part of me is missing,

When I don’t have you.

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Okay, one girl in my skool is really pissin me off...

I wos really close to her but now really dont know why...i wont name her, cos i dont wanna start sumfin if anyone from my skool reads this, but she went and told this girl emma that evryone's been sayin all of these things about her while she wos in hospital with "cancer".

Okay, fair enough, emma is a compulsive liar (as i explained on a previous journal...), and, okay, fair enough, sum people have been sayin stuff about her (serves her right, she shouldnt have to lie about evrythin...) ...

...but next thing i know this girl's told emma that two of my mates have been sayin this s***... when they havent. This girl's the one who wos acting all shocked in front of us and making out that she shares our views about emma, and now she's telling emma how two faced we are... i mean come on, does she not know that by tellin emma that we're two-faced she has in fact proved that she herself is a two-faced c*** with sum serious f***in mental issues?!?! ...she needs to back off and shut-up!!!!!

We are in our last few months at skool, and she starts stirrin up s*** now, the one point when we're all more stressed than ever, with coursework and exams and s***... she's been accusing so many people of being racist when they are NOT, because i've known them for so long, i know that these people are not like that...

Like i said, i used to be really close to her, cos i honestly thought that people were being a bit off-hand with her... but all the things that she'd been tellin me were all in her head...

I trusted her, i told her so many things about what wos wrong with me when my brother died and she wos so nice and understanding, and she had absolutely no problem with lyin to me sayin that my friends are sayin s*** about her!!!!

...anyway... like i said, i used to be really close to her... but not no more, cos i'm pissed off with being the last person to find out the truth, and it ends now...

...so...breathe, lol, thats just my way of gettin stuff off my chest, and, if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this kind of situation, please feel free to drop a note on this page, thanx!!

xxx becksa xxx

Here's a little song that my friend Sarah wrote. She gave it to me and my other friend Georgia because she thought it was more like a poem, so she asked us to turn it into a song.

...so we fiddled around with it a bit... re-arranged some parts... some bits were changed altogether... but overall we kept the main feel of the song, aaaaaaand... here's how it turned out!!

Hope you like it!!

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VERSE 1

Look inside yourself, deep within

And there you’ll find the core of sin

Your self-control starts to decline

Till your completely consumed inside

VERSE 2

You can feel the nails of your past

Gripping beneath your skin

The stableness inside your mind

Disappears, destroying you within

CHORUS

The words I’m saying are not my own

And I can’t see what I’ve become

I’m losing my grip quite steadily

It’s drowning me out so I can’t breathe

The feeling inside has turned me numb

By the pain that surrounds my air

But still - as my blood runs cold -

You poison me with your stare

VERSE 3

Slowly I begin to pull your strings

Slowly I begin to rip your wings

Piercing your lungs as you scream

It’ll never stop if you let me win

CHORUS

And soon I begin to fade to black

In my mind... I know... there's no way back.

Sorry

How can you give what is not yours to give.

How can you stand there and take that which doesn’t belong.

How can you be so self-absorbed ... so selfish?

You look at me with no gratitude in those - cold - eyes.

Don’t thank me, for all the things I lost for you –

All the things that I never had… because you had them first.

She belongs to you… and them… but not to me.

I could have had her too, if you hadn’t got in the way.

But no… you’re still as selfish as always.

You don’t appreciate anything we do, anything she does

For you. You little Princess, always get what you want.

No matter what the cost, no matter how you end up.

Just go ahead and assume that I’ll always be there,

That they’ll always be there… because they won’t… we won’t.

She won’t. Then you’ll be sorry.

One day we won’t be there for you to depend on

And you will fall, flat on your face and the pain …

Will be more than you can take. Then you’ll be sorry.

I had no choice in the matter. By the time I realized…

That family is important… it was too late… along you came,

Governing all, conquering all, keeping it all to yourself. Selfish.

And one day you will wake up, all alone… cold…

Never dreamed it would end this way, alone in your self-pity.

And then…

At the end of all things…

You will be…

Alrite, there's not much point in me posting this as a journal, but its just my way of blowing off steam, lol.

There wos a fire in my skool 2day. Evrythin wos normal and fine...except me being pissed off because, as usual, ms. dove 4got that i have been takin guitar lesson evry wednesday 4 three years and left the music room door locked... so i can't get my guitar, but anyway, straying from the point. That's why i wos pissed off in the first place, but, to top it all off, i cant find her anywhere in the skool...even more pissed off (bear in mind that this is the end of the skool day, and i wanted to go home!!).

So, i'm on my way to the office to get them to get the caretaker to unlock the door for me... and suddenly...aw, music to my ears, the fire alarm goes off, and i'm soo happy cos i know that there wosn't a fire drill planned for today so i'm hopin skool will be closed 2moro, yayyy.

The only bad bit wos that all of my skool r so pathetically stupid and childish that they all decide to scream laugh push run u name it... all at the same time! stupid or wot!!

Now, keep it in mind that i'm only a short person, well, short considering that i'm in my last year at skool, and there are kids in their second year here who are taller than me... but i thought "i dont give a fuck if im short... im gonna scream anyway..." so i did. i screamed "WOT THE FUCK R U DOIN, AIN'T U EVER HEARD A FUCKIN FIRE ALARM B4!!!???" and...no-one hears me cos they're to busy screamin laughing pushin runnin u name it.

A-ny-way. i casually pull out my iPod put it on top volume put it firmly in my zipped pocket (cos people always get mugged in my skool) and i barge straight through the barricade of shrieking maniacs and manage to get safely out of the skool, just in time to see the fire brigade turn up

then i carry on home as i normally do, lol... hopin my guitar wont be burned to a crisp by 2moro...because i'll miss it

HATE EMO?

i had a dream

i see my skool...

the ivy on the walls has reached the top and is wrapping itself tightly around the skool, suffocating it, cos the skool is evil, really evil, not the people-teachers-students, the skool itself..even the technicians human but u'd think he was evil by lookin at him, lol.... no, just the skool...

all the windows are smashed, the doors busted open, wood everywhere, glass everywhere...

inside the skool all the tables are oveturned and the chairs are all over the place... the blackboard are covered in scribbles of chalk, meaningless words of unimportance... u can see the ivy, crawling through the windows and spreading throughout the room...

moving into the corridors, the displays have been ripped off the walls and lie on the floor crying, the tiles have been busted off the floor, the banisters too have been wrapped in ivy...

the pathetic toilets have been busted too, and the floors have been flooded...good.

into the science labs, all the chemicals that were locked in the cupboards have been spilled in one corner and they react together, fizzing violently, bright sparks everywhere... carbon dioxide rising off it, and other gases starting to discolour the walls and ceiling - now thats a chemical reaction u'd actually want to remember, lol!

into the normal classrooms, the excercise books have been ripped open, ripped to shreds, ripped to...nothing, and the reamins lie weeping around the classroom...bleeding...bleeding ink...good.

i look back outside and i smell burning...i go out to look... i see all my skool stuff, pencil case-books-bag-----burning...good.

lol, yh, i know its a bit dark but it helps me get through skool easily without getting depressed, lol

I’d rather be hated for whom I am than be loved for who I am not.

It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about what I accept.

I’m surrounded by ANGELS. I call them my FRIENDS.

If you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they’re supposed to be there.

To the world you may be one PERSON, but to one person you may be the WORLD.

Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow. We must fail in order to know. Sometimes our visions clear only when our eyes are washed away with tears.

Boy: I saw her today. Girl: I saw him today.

Boy: it seems like it’s been forever. Girl: I wonder if he still cares.

Boy: she looks better than before. Girl: I couldn’t stop staring at him.

Boy: I asked how things were going. Girl: I asked about his new girlfriend.

Boy: I’d pick her over any girl I’m with. Girl: he’s probably really happy now.

Boy: I can’t even look at her without crying. Girl: he couldn’t even look at me.

Boy: I told her I missed her. Girl: he didn’t mean it.

Boy; I meant it. Girl: he doesn’t mean it.

Boy: I love her. Girl: he loves his new girlfriend.

Boy: I held her for the last time. Girl: he gave me a friendly hug.

Boy: then I went home and cried. Girl: then I went home and cried.

Boy: I lost her. Girl: I love him.

I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.

I like walking in the rain ‘cause no one knows I’m crying.

A girl who is too sad to give a fuck.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

A Friend is a Special Gift tied to a ribbon of love

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
unexpected expected?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

He who hesitates is probably right.

u wouldn't believe how many people there are in the world who are so so sssssssoooooo deluded that they lie all the time and the thing is ... they actually believe their lies themselves! I cant believe that people can lie so much that they believe it, those people really need help! For instance, this girl in my skool tells the most STUPID lies, and she expects people to believe them! wot she doesn't understand is that everyone sees straight through it. Here are a couple of the lies that have come out so far:

"oh i cant say human, i cant pronounce 'h' so i say it as fuman." "...but you just said human..." "did i? oh i meant fuman." HOW LAME IS THAT?!!

she's apparently had cancer 8 times but, miraculously, her mum doesn't know anything about it...hmmmm.

oh, this one is great, she said that one day her dad wos choppin a tree in their backyard and she went to say hi and the axe got stuck in the back of her head... ha! firstly her dad is an executive for some crappy company, and duh, she lives in an area where the only place you would find a tree is in the park! secondly, she says they didn't go to the hospital...til the next day. i think you would be DEAD by then, sweetie!

and this girl thinks everyone loves her and she has the right to boss people around as if she owns the place. Honestly, SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS F***IN PLACE!!!!!

i seriously advise anyone who meets people like this that you should confront them and tell them to stop talkin out their asses ... before it gets to this stage!

okay, it goes like this, i wos watchin charmed on sunday and right at the end Billie wos lookin through a book and the last page wos a picture of Ville Valo's Heartagram tattoo, and i wos MAD, i wos SOOOO hyped about it cos like they are like two of my favourite things in the WHOLE world, and .... yeah. i'll shut up now, lol

luv becky

x x x x becksa4ryan x x x x