okay... proof that britain is a shitty place to be...

christmas is a very important time for me cos i can be myself, and the great thing about christmas is that it snows!! yay!!

but this christmas we got nuthin.

no snow!! it wos shit.

its now february the 8th and.... wait a minute .... it's snowing!!! WOT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WEATHER IN THIS COUNTRY!!! it cant even get the dates the rite way round "yh, its not christmas anymore! nah u've already missed that!!" duhh...

anyway, yh, just thought i'd share my thoughts on the issue...

Rules of my kitchen...

1. Please KEEP OUT! Except on express permission of the Cook.

2. Cook shall designate pot scourers, pan polishers, peelers, scrapers and Cook has SUPREME AUTHORITY at all times!

3. NO REMARKS at all will be tolerated concerning the blackening of toast, the weakness of soup or the strength of the garlic stew!

4. What goes in stews and soups is nobody's business JUST EAT IT!

5. If you must stick your finger in something, stick it in the garbage disposal!

6. DON'T criticise the coffee, you may be old and weak yourself someday!

7. Anyone bringing guests in for dinner WITHOUT proir notice will be awarded 3 thwacks on the skull with a sharp object!

8. PLEASE WAIT - Rome wasn't burnt in a day and it takes a while to burn the Roast!

9. IF YOU MUST pinch something in this Kitchen... PINCH THE COOK!!

10. This is my kitchen. If you don't believe it, START SOMETHING and see how far you get!

I feel the night calling... calling me home...

I feel the stars pulling... tearing my heart...

My head starts to spin

As i'm slowly drawn into

The lonely emptiness thats lurking within

I feel, inside, my soul is cold

So cold, so bitter, from lies been told -

I wonder if i'll ever be the same again

Will they just lie to my face again?

I cant forget how you made me feel -

But, please believe that i've tried

Every remedy, to get these wounds to heal..

...nothing can diminish the aches inside...

But you dont understand what you've done to me

I trust no judgement but my own...

Because how can i know of your lies and your truth -

How thin is that line that remains unknown.

So I listen to the night calling...

Calling me to 'sleep'

Because the night, she knows, of all these things,

And she encourages me to slip...

Slip away from this world

Slip away from this pain

All the things that I hate

Things I can't contain

You can never know what it is to be true,

Or that the world does NOT revolve round you -

Like the Sun that you're not, all bright and clear...

You're the darkness that keeps me unwillingly here...

No More

Because the stars tore a hole...

A hole in my soul

... and i dont mind this defeat..

... because now I am ... 

...complete.

Forgiveness is so hard,

I don’t know where to start.

I’m sorry for what I’ve done,

I should’ve taken the bullet out of the gun…

…Now I hate me too.

I should have had more sense,

Should have listened to my friends.

I didn’t know what I had till it was lost,

I didn’t know it was me, who’d pay the cost.

I’ll understand if you can’t forgive,

If i’m someone you just can’t live with.

Just listen to me,

For a moment or two,

Part of me is missing,

When I don’t have you.

I wos really close to her but now really dont know why...i wont name her, cos i dont wanna start sumfin if anyone from my skool reads this, but she went and told this girl emma that evryone's been sayin all of these things about her while she wos in hospital with "cancer".

Okay, fair enough, emma is a compulsive liar (as i explained on a previous journal...), and, okay, fair enough, sum people have been sayin stuff about her (serves her right, she shouldnt have to lie about evrythin...) ...

...but next thing i know this girl's told emma that two of my mates have been sayin this s***... when they havent. This girl's the one who wos acting all shocked in front of us and making out that she shares our views about emma, and now she's telling emma how two faced we are... i mean come on, does she not know that by tellin emma that we're two-faced she has in fact proved that she herself is a two-faced c*** with sum serious f***in mental issues?!?! ...she needs to back off and shut-up!!!!!

We are in our last few months at skool, and she starts stirrin up s*** now, the one point when we're all more stressed than ever, with coursework and exams and s***... she's been accusing so many people of being racist when they are NOT, because i've known them for so long, i know that these people are not like that...

Like i said, i used to be really close to her, cos i honestly thought that people were being a bit off-hand with her... but all the things that she'd been tellin me were all in her head...

I trusted her, i told her so many things about what wos wrong with me when my brother died and she wos so nice and understanding, and she had absolutely no problem with lyin to me sayin that my friends are sayin s*** about her!!!!

...anyway... like i said, i used to be really close to her... but not no more, cos i'm pissed off with being the last person to find out the truth, and it ends now...

...so...breathe, lol, thats just my way of gettin stuff off my chest, and, if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this kind of situation, please feel free to drop a note on this page, thanx!!

xxx becksa xxx

...so we fiddled around with it a bit... re-arranged some parts... some bits were changed altogether... but overall we kept the main feel of the song, aaaaaaand... here's how it turned out!!

Hope you like it!!

Numb

VERSE 1

Look inside yourself, deep within

And there you’ll find the core of sin

Your self-control starts to decline

Till your completely consumed inside

VERSE 2

You can feel the nails of your past

Gripping beneath your skin

The stableness inside your mind

Disappears, destroying you within

CHORUS

The words I’m saying are not my own

And I can’t see what I’ve become

I’m losing my grip quite steadily

It’s drowning me out so I can’t breathe

The feeling inside has turned me numb

By the pain that surrounds my air

But still - as my blood runs cold -

You poison me with your stare

VERSE 3

Slowly I begin to pull your strings

Slowly I begin to rip your wings

Piercing your lungs as you scream

It’ll never stop if you let me win

CHORUS

And soon I begin to fade to black

In my mind... I know... there's no way back.

How can you give what is not yours to give.

How can you stand there and take that which doesn’t belong.

How can you be so self-absorbed ... so selfish?

You look at me with no gratitude in those - cold - eyes.

Don’t thank me, for all the things I lost for you –

All the things that I never had… because you had them first.

She belongs to you… and them… but not to me.

I could have had her too, if you hadn’t got in the way.

But no… you’re still as selfish as always.

You don’t appreciate anything we do, anything she does

For you. You little Princess, always get what you want.

No matter what the cost, no matter how you end up.

Just go ahead and assume that I’ll always be there,

That they’ll always be there… because they won’t… we won’t.

She won’t. Then you’ll be sorry.

One day we won’t be there for you to depend on

And you will fall, flat on your face and the pain …

Will be more than you can take. Then you’ll be sorry.

I had no choice in the matter. By the time I realized…

That family is important… it was too late… along you came,

Governing all, conquering all, keeping it all to yourself. Selfish.

And one day you will wake up, all alone… cold…

Never dreamed it would end this way, alone in your self-pity.

And then…

At the end of all things…

You will be…

There wos a fire in my skool 2day. Evrythin wos normal and fine...except me being pissed off because, as usual, ms. dove 4got that i have been takin guitar lesson evry wednesday 4 three years and left the music room door locked... so i can't get my guitar, but anyway, straying from the point. That's why i wos pissed off in the first place, but, to top it all off, i cant find her anywhere in the skool...even more pissed off (bear in mind that this is the end of the skool day, and i wanted to go home!!).

So, i'm on my way to the office to get them to get the caretaker to unlock the door for me... and suddenly...aw, music to my ears, the fire alarm goes off, and i'm soo happy cos i know that there wosn't a fire drill planned for today so i'm hopin skool will be closed 2moro, yayyy.

The only bad bit wos that all of my skool r so pathetically stupid and childish that they all decide to scream laugh push run u name it... all at the same time! stupid or wot!!

Now, keep it in mind that i'm only a short person, well, short considering that i'm in my last year at skool, and there are kids in their second year here who are taller than me... but i thought "i dont give a fuck if im short... im gonna scream anyway..." so i did. i screamed "WOT THE FUCK R U DOIN, AIN'T U EVER HEARD A FUCKIN FIRE ALARM B4!!!???" and...no-one hears me cos they're to busy screamin laughing pushin runnin u name it.

A-ny-way. i casually pull out my iPod put it on top volume put it firmly in my zipped pocket (cos people always get mugged in my skool) and i barge straight through the barricade of shrieking maniacs and manage to get safely out of the skool, just in time to see the fire brigade turn up

then i carry on home as i normally do, lol... hopin my guitar wont be burned to a crisp by 2moro...because i'll miss it